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Doc's Loan/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: For those of you who have never seen our show before, don't worry. This is it, all right. It's an eclectic mix of reality television with some introverted self-awareness, generally typical of the type of show put together by a group of underachievers with a government grant. And here's my uncle, who happens to be the real dynamo of the family, which is hard for me to admit in public. But, anyway, here he is -- the star of "the red green show" -- mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge. I have the sound turned down back there so I can't hear harold's intro. That's a trick you might consider for the next time you tune us in. Harold, uh, you got an effect for us tonight, you know? We might as well give them one more way to turn off. How about something like this? [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] yeah, that ought to do it. Uh, harold does those effects because he can. Anyway, there's something kind of strange going on in possum lodge this week, uh, especially with our medical officer, doc render. For some reason or other, he's being nice to people, even to the point of driving into town in a closed vehicle with stinky peterson. So we figure he must be after something. And a lot of the lodge members have been complaining to me, because when you get one of the guys, you know, sucking up to everybody and ingratiating themselves and everything, it just reminds them of work, you know? 2 and 4, and a double-double run is 20. [ sniffing ] what's that smell? All right, all right. So you skunked me, pinhead. At least we weren't playing for money. I never play for money. That would be gambling. I never gamble. That's why I'm the lodge treasurer. That's why you're not. Well, uh, how about this? What if, uh -- what if you loan me, say, 500 bucks, and then 90 days from now, I pay you back $600, hmm? That wouldn't be gambling, huh? Would it, dougie? Listening to you is gambling. How about getting the money from helmut? Helmut's got lots of money 'cause his mom's got lots of money, and she buys him stuff all the time, so she's got the money. She gives it to helmut, and helmut can give it to you. No, that wouldn't be right, harold. I wouldn't feel good about that. No, this -- this was strictly an investment opportunity that I wanted to share with my good friend douglas here. He's good with money, you know? You're a disaster with money. You're a one-man stock-market crash, doc. You see, you'll need a job to get money, and you'll need a skill to get a job, and you'll need training to get a skill, and you'll need a loan to get training, and you'll need a bloody miracle to get a loan. Case closed. You know, doc, I'd lend you the money, but I'm a little strapped on cash right now. I still owe $67 to the home shopping network. It's not so bad anymore. They repossessed my tv, you know, so I'm working through it, you know? How about you, bill? You got any money? Uh, never mind. You scrounging for cash again, doc? Oh, minor shortfall problem, red. That's all. We're that close to striking oil. My stockbroker says it's a bad time for me to sell, you know? I suggest that maybe he could hit helmut up for the money. Uh, I'm sorry. What I meant was that he could present an investment opportunity to helmut. Yeah, but, you know, if you don't pay him back, you know, he'll just rip you up like a rag doll. I one time saw him pull a guy through a drainpipe by his lips. Ow! That's horrible. [ chuckles ] did you get it on film? Hey, what about you, red? You're fairly liquid. Well, a lot of the time, yeah, but, you know, my mom said to me once, "never lend money to a friend. You'll lose both." well, no problem. I'm not your friend. I don't even like you. Well, that's tempting, you know, but, uh, for me to lend you money, I'd have to go borrow the money first and probably have to clear that with the wife. Then there'd be the name-calling and sleeping in the garage and the seven years in forced celibacy and, well, I just don't think I can make that work. Well, thanks anyway, red. Hey, hey, this is great. Here comes helmut, 'cause you can ask him for the money. Helmut's got all sorts of money. This is great. Hey, helmut, this is perfect, 'cause doc's got something he wants to talk to you about. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Does he have my 500 bucks yet? Oh, I don't know. Wa-a-a! Doc! Uhh! Sorry. Was he here? No, you know. Does he have my money? I gave him $400. He said he'd give me $500. You know -- you know where he's gone? You know where he's gone, helmut? He went to get the money. Yeah. 'cause he mentioned to me that he was, like, you know, that close to striking his stockbroker. Well, you tell him I'd like to see him, and he'd better come bearing gifts. I'm gonna go sharpen my tools. Oh! Good choice, helmut. That's great. I'll mention that to him if I see him -- about you and the, you know, the sharpened-tool thing. That's a -- whoo, you're gonna get him with that one. I am so glad helmut doesn't work for the home shopping network. Whoo! [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ it does a man good to stop and look around ♪ ♪ at the trees and the sky and the water and the ground ♪ ♪ the beasts on the land and the birds in the air ♪ ♪ it's gonna take a long time for us to wreck this ♪ ♪ but we're getting there ♪ this week on, uh, "handyman corner," gonna show you how you can, uh, make some furniture. We need some, uh, chairs here up at the lodge because, uh, some of our old furniture is, uh, really killing us in insurance. We got a recliner rocker here that's just unbelievable. But, uh, rather than switch to the, uh, no-fault system, uh, what we thought we'd do is -- is buy a couple of chairs. Well, I went and looked at them. Some of them were upwards of $19.95, 20 bucks even. That's what we pay for cars, you know, so I thought, "well, heck, let's make our chairs, you know?" and to do that, all we would need is a lathe. Now, a lathe is gonna cost you 600 or 700 bucks, which we could get, uh, say, a bus or a motor home for. So instead of that, I'm gonna show you how you can make your own lathe. All you need is a drill. Take your power drill, stick it into a vise. This is gonna save you a heck of a lot of money, believe me. Okay, so, maybe you don't have a vise, huh? Or maybe you don't even have a drill. So you're saying, "well, how much is this gonna save me, you know?" well, I'll tell you what. A lathe is a lot cheaper than a vise and a drill put together. Plus, with a drill, look at all the things you can do with it. You can, uh -- you can drill, or you can -- you can screw. You can mix, you can puree, you can sand, you can grind. You can just take a Sunday morning and just sit at home spinning things around while the family's at church. Whereas with a lathe, all you can do is latheing, you know, except, I guess, you can stand on it as a platform when you're painting the ceiling. So you put this in pretty good here. Whoa. Oh, now, I-I may have -- [ clears throat ] okay, okay. But a lathe is still gonna cost you more than, say, a vise and two drills. Just tighten this up quickly before, uh, moose thompson notices that his drill's missing. Okay, now we can get our wood that we're gonna do our latheing on. Uh, this is a beautiful piece of, uh, teak. We're gonna make a teak chair. This is gonna be one of the legs. So what I got to do is, uh -- is put a nail in the top there to hold her. I need a hammer. Well, well, let's use a bit of that old drill. Like I told you... A drill is a very versatile tool. Oh, there they are. All right. Now we, uh, put this into our -- into our drill, or should I say our lathe. And tighten that up. Oh, yeah. See how you're getting a feel for this now? Now I just need the chuck key. I go through chuck keys like pencils and hammers. Unbelievable. I buy them by the gross, you know? This here will last me about, uh, three months. Okay. All right, now, for our speed control, uh, I got this, uh -- I'm gonna put that in my pocket. For our speed control, uh, I got this, uh, thing off my wife's sewing machine. Never been used. And this will, uh, turn our, uh, drill into not only a lathe, but a variable speed lathe. So plug the drill into the pedal and plug the pedal up. Yeah, and, uh... Okay, so we take this metal bracket and, uh, I put a nail in this end of the wood now. And we just line that up there. Fit that through there. And that'll hold her steady. Now we want that bracket held on to the bench, so just use my power screwdriver here, and you want to really horse this down good, because, uh, you don't want this thing coming off at 3,000 rpms going through your skull. No chair is worth that... Unless it w-- no, no, not even then. Okay. That's good. That looks good. Now I just, uh, check this other end here. Tighten that up good. Now, where's that chuck key? Hmm? Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Who put that in there? All right. [ grunting ] all right. And that'll work. And just one last thing -- just a comment on eye protection. You know, you only have two eyes. Take care of them. Okay. It's ready to go, so let's make some fine furniture. [ motor whirring ] all right. All right. So, uh, now we would -- we'd -- we'd carve that down while it was spinning next time. And then you'd make three more just like it, and then another time -- maybe next week or whatever -- we'll, uh -- we'll make ourselves the seat for this thing. Anyway, uh, until next time, uh, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ motor whirring ] [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring, baseball season. "your son is pitching. "the game is called on account of darkness in the first inning "after your boy walked 37 consecutive batters. But he was pleased -- his first no-hitter." well, uh, doc has hit on just about everybody here, looking for money, while he's all the time trying to hide from helmut. In fact, he even disguised himself as a shrub, which was an unfortunate choice for the dog days of summer. And then after that, he just plain disappeared, but he told me that if he could afford it, he'd have a complete facial reconstruction and even a -- even a sex-change operation. I figure if, uh -- if helmut gets his hands on him, he'll get both of those for free. Ah, so helmut wants his pound of flesh, does he? No, I think he just wants to pound doc's flesh. No, no. Uncle red, the "pound of flesh," from "the merchant of venus." shylock wanted his pound of flesh. [ chuckles ] so he took her arms? No! No. See, his daughter dressed up as a lawyer and had the case thrown out, based on the fact that, in the 15th century, they didn't have the proper equipment for weighing meat. English teachers have the highest suicide rate, don't they, harold? No. There are none so lonely as those of intellect. [ keyboard clacking ] and I did want to talk to you, you know, with this financial problem that doc render is having -- no, no, no. That man is a complete liar and a fraud. Well, uh, he's also the lodge doctor, you know. Correction -- he claims to be a doctor. Yeah, but he -- but he's got all that doctoring equipment. He's got, uh, tongue depressors and, uh -- red, one box of coffee stir sticks does not a doctor make. You know, doc render once took my temperature with an indoor/outdoor thermometer. He told me that was a rectal/oral. So -- so you're saying you -- you -- you -- you don't think he's a doctor? Well, if he was, would he need money? Now, if he needs cash, well, let him go perform a gallbladder operation on somebody. What does he need the money for, anyway? Well, it depends who you ask. Some people he tells he's collecting money for a polar expedition, and he told harold that he needed the money to make an alimony payment to madonna. Well, as credible and worthwhile as both those causes sound, we have no money in the kitty. Well, that's -- that's just temporary, isn't it, douglas? I mean, when -- when do the members pay their dues next? Same time every month -- never. In fact, doc render is the worst. If I enforced the lodge charter -- he hasn't been a member since 1965. He's not good for it. He's a bad risk. He doesn't deserve a red cent. I am not a bank manager, red. Well, you sound a lot like my bank manager. If I were to lend him money, where would it end? Soon everybody would be bothering me -- bothering me for money that I don't have to lend. If he needs money, he can just go out and earn it. Well, I'd be glad to pay him to come out here and sweep up and bundle all these leaves. Well, I, uh -- I could mention it him, but I-I don't think he's gonna go for it. You know, doctors kind of like to protect their hands. Well, he has to realize, red, that money doesn't grow on trees. Well throat not when you get through with him, anyway. [ film projector clicking ] red: Bill told me to meet him down at the dock. Hmm. Yeah, I think that's bill. Oh, yeah, because he wanted to talk about, uh, various, uh, water-safety and life-preserver-type, uh, equipment. So he can -- now, this is a -- this is a -- that's a life -- life preserver. And you got the ropes there, and, uh, quite a few ropes there. I didn't -- now, to me, I guess -- I guess that's where they go. I figure you got to have her tight. Ugh! You know, I really wasn't aware when I was -- but he -- well, to me, if it's not tight, uh, it's really not gonna do you any good. So we horsed her right down there, and now he's ready to -- ready to go. He kind of looks like one of them little munchkins, doesn't he? It's kind of cute. Like a decoy. And there's another type. This one -- bill knows -- but I -- okay, you got the strap to tie it in the front there, but I would have thought that, uh -- I would have thought the arms had to go through those arm holes. Yeah, yeah. I think they do. I'm pretty sure they do. Oh, well. Uh, now this -- this here is a -- is a boot hook, and when someone's drowning or whatever, you can just, uh -- it's kind of like extending your arm, and they hang onto that, and -- and there we go. There we go. Now, bill's, uh -- bill's gonna pretend he's -- pretend he's drowning. And, uh, I'll hand him the boat hook and just -- just pull him in. Oh. Oh. Oh. And now he's pretending he's drowning again. I-I think he is. Oh, well. Yeah, he must have been. And now this is a -- this is a life ring. I think the key here is check the size of it before you -- you know, because -- [ clears throat ] exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So bill got a little smaller one, and also he thought he'd widen himself out a bit when he jumped onto this baby, and, uh -- I think that was a mistake, but I think he got enough pieces left to build a new one. You okay, bill? You know, uncle red, it's not easy being a teenager -- all the fears and worries and pressures from kids to do things that you know you really shouldn't do, you know? Well, it doesn't concern me all that much, harold. Well, believe me, there's a lot of pressure to experiment with illicit pleasures, you know? They say things like, "oh, go ahead. Just try it. Go for it." well, you know, harold, drugs will fry your brain, and you can't afford that. Drugs? I was talking about sex. Carnival knowledge. All righty-roo. And there's a lot of pressure to have sex. Ha! Constantly. Well, I say give in, harold. No, no. I'm gonna wait till I'm married. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Stinky peterson's married. He's still waiting. Yeah, see, I figure if I wait till I get married, then there's a better likelihood that a girl will be involved. Well, at this point, I think doc has pretty well exhausted any hope he had of, uh, coming up with the money for helmut. Uh, he did try to take back the cases of empties that we got stacked under the porch and, uh, in the kitchen and in the basement and over by the wood pile and, I guess, almost 90% of the boathouse and all the way down the dock. By the time he got all them onto the stake truck, it blew all the tires and bent the frame. And then he thought he would, uh, go on a lecture tour, but that didn't sell well because, uh, people don't like listening to his bull, even for free. So, at this point, I would say doc is toast. It's gonna make for an interesting meeting tonight, I'll tell you. And by "interesting," I mean "violent." well, be nor borrower, nor lender be. Oh, yeah. Is that from that same book where skylark tried to pound somebody in the flesh? No. It's william shakespeare -- the poet, the playwright. You know what he'd say to doc render in a case like this? "to thine own self be true." [ screeching in distance ] oh, it's meeting time, uncle red. ♪ dun dun-dun-dun ♪ [ chuckles ] come on. Let's go. I'll meet you down there, okay? Yeah, all right, harold. Uh, I don't think this is gonna take too long, because, uh, I'll let the others drive doc to the hospital. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. And get down. Uh, the floor recognizes helmut wintergarden. Doc render owes me 500 bucks, and I would appreciate it if anybody here could tell me where he is. We made an agreement of an interest rate of 48 points, which is better than I can do with g.I.C.S or on the bond market. But if he tries to stiff me, I'm not gonna reward bad behavior. First, I'll rip his ears off. All right, all right. Hold your horses. I'm here. Sorry I'm late. Hi, guys. Hi, helmut. Where's my cash? Helmut, have I got good news for you. In fact, I got good news for everybody. What, did you bring a lie detector? [ laughs ] you know what the main problem around here is? Nobody has any confidence in the other guys. But that's okay. You don't think that king fazai fazort fazufu would let that king of thing stand in his way, do you? You know who he is, don't you, helmut? Where's my 500 bucks?! King fazufu is the world's richest man. He makes $126 billion an hour, and then there's overtime. The guy does well. Doc, uh, is any of this gonna tie in to the real world at any time in the near future, do you think? Well, red, it's all part of my new investment scheme. You see, about six months ago, I started by borrowing $100 from stinky peterson. Right, stink? Yeah. And then the next month, I borrowed $200 from moose thompson. Hmm? Yeah. Out of which, I paid stinky $150. Wait. Wait. Wait. What happened to the other $50? If you're gonna start nickel-and-diming me, we're gonna lose the whole concept. Anyway, my plan's been going just great. I keep on attracting new investors, and with each new refinancing, I get closer and closer to the final payoff, which is when I go to king fazufu and get $6 trillion, which oil sheikhs like him -- well, they spend as a tax write-off. And what happens to all the profits, doc? To be shared equally amongst all the investors. And now, the dividends, however, cannot be realized unless I get another $500 in new cash to pump into the system... Or unless helmut there wants to defer his shares. How'd you like to defer your pulse? You know, helmut, I, uh, made this for your mother. It took quite a bit of time, of course -- time that I could have used to get your money back, but, uh, well, I felt it was more important. I think a lot of your mother, helmut. Thank you. She likes these. She wears them in her hair. Okay. You got another 24 hours. Well, thank you, helmut. [ chuckles ] at least somebody can show a little confidence around here. [ indistinct shouting ] well, if there's no other business, bill? No. Well, then, I call on douglas here for a little entertainment. Good night, men. Good night, men. Thank you, red. Keep it hopping. Keep it hopping. I will. Thank you. How about a few jokes there, dougster? Uh, this was an unfortunate chapter that, uh, will never be repeated. And now, boys, I've got something very special for you today -- how to clean your fingernails. Well, hopefully, doc has learned his lesson. You know, for a guy who needs money all the time, you'd think he might hang out with some people who have some. I don't know why, uh, doc chooses to spend time with us rather than the rich and famous. Or maybe the rich and famous have kind of told him, "this is the way it's got to be." anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I-I'm bringing doc, so, uh, would you leave $500 in small bills on the kitchen table? Now, now, now, it's -- it's -- it's not a loan. It's an investment. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. and the first thing that you do is take a little emery board and you start your filing like this. And you start very carefully, like this, you see? You got to make sure that you cut off the cuticle too much. And you file very gently like that. There you go. And there you go. Like that, you see? And voilà, I've got very nice clean fingernails. Now, the other thing that I've brought with me here... Oh, yeah, I dare you to hit me! I dare you!